Why did I once seek a stage - draw attention to myself? Could be something musicians do; we love to love and that’s how we know to do it.
Maybe the culture makes us all into publicity hounds. Mom wanted to be published. She loved the story of Grandma Moses. Did that touch me too?
Derek Sivers says a leader is a nut with a great idea. The first follower transforms the lone nut into a leader. We can’t all be leaders.
After all, I was raised to please, not to lead. But this very upbringing turned me against forced acquiescence. Pliable robot, Stepford wife: not my style. The problem was, I didn’t have a good model for non-Stepford attitudes, so I winged it. Didn’t know ‘assertive’ so I became stubborn. Wasn’t mouthy so I did sullen instead. Rejected sappy and soft, took up cynical and detached.
Much of that’s behind me now. I’m on the verge of wisdom, though it’s slow going. I often yearn for discipline and simplicity. A home that echos an urge to create. Less stuff in and around me, more space for the bold new thought.
Yesterday I finished a book, paid bills, shredded documents and whittled away at email. Word is I’ll have all this soil prepared by June 1 for planting new ideas. What good is rehash of the past or chewing on the webosphere one more time? Not much.
I asked what would make this day perfect. The answer is always the same. Something new. A thought, a realization that veers me off to someplace unexpectedly beautiful and clear. Clarity is of the goddess. All the rest is muddle.
Muck is of the she devil. She hangs out here because she tricks me into thinking I’ve been stubborn, sullen and detached in all my dealings, even towards her, but I only really treated me that way. Her? I feather her nest with bits of mental, physical and spirit clutter, which she adores.
So here’s the new idea. Clarity cancels out chaos. And once I know this, I’m on a road to perfect days. Free and clear.
Painting Paul Gauguin, The Dream
